Transgender Heroes...part 2

In my previous post, I spoke of my friend, Gabriel and his daughter Claudia...it got me to thinking.

I have a number of transgender friends, and allies, and they deserve mention - celebration! - as well.

After some investigation and discussion with several of them, I have decided to respect anonymity, and not mention names or anybody else in a revealing way, nor use pictures. Gabriel was unique and in unique circumstances in giving his permission to use his name and image - others are not nearly so fortunate, as they have relatives, living circumstances and situations in their lives where breaking their anonymity could cost them relationships, jobs, who knows - perhaps their lives.

So with caution for them and deep respect on my part, here are my thoughts on my heroes.

I have friends who have gone before me on this journey...

who have begun their transition and paid for it not just with their life savings monetarily but with the the loss of family and loss of jobs.

They have faced police harassment of the ugliest kind in situations where they were totally innocent and merely doing their jobs.

They have sat by the bedsides of relatives and cared for them and been by their side when they passed away, but received no resolution, no re-connectedness with them.

They suffer trying to maintain an outer facade while around relatives who love them dearly, struggling to stay closeted because they know that their relatives' love is not unconditional, that it would turn to misunderstanding, division, rejection if the "truth" came out.

They have written intimately and openly on our email list of the challenges and changes they face, of the pains and agony and triumphs and joys of their lives as transgenders, giving the details of their lives to aid others in understanding and hope. And others on the list - all part of the GBLT community and allies who all support each other and make this list home!

...and our email moderator, who created and maintains that email list, our gathering place around a fireside of hope and love and support, and who daily, gently creates space where all who come will be respected and heard.

...my priests at my church and many of my fellow church members who have accepted me as I am - gay identified, and transgendered - without question and with total unconditional love and support!

One friend in particular..."Lucas" who has become one of my dearest friends, wrestles with being bi gendered...s/he experiences life in a duality...sometimes feeling masculine, as a man, sometimes feeling feminine and a woman. That is no easy road...the courage s/he shows on a day to day basis leaves me constantly in awe. Lucas undertakes a great deal of activism as a part of a GLBT organization committed to change and hope, and participates in the "National Day of Silence". I see the strain Lucas faces when dealing and remaining closeted with insensitive relatives who will NOT accept him/her as s/he is, but I also see a greater strain and inner balancing act and sometimes exhaustion as s/he wrestles daily with being on the inside of this situation, constantly colliding with a culture that demands that s/he be one or the other and damns him/her for being different. Lucas, your unfailing sense of humor, courage, and strength have been an inspiration for me, and given me strength when struggling to find my own peculiar place and balance in this world. I couldn't do it with out you there ahead of me holding the light!

And what about allies....Gabriel's parents who champion their son...

Lucas' parents who did an amazing turn around to become passionate GLBT supporters, loving their child as she/he is...

My friend MisBehavin' who is one of the most outspoken "straight" allies I have ever known, going head to toe with prejudice and injustice no matter the situation or the cost...

My beloved Star Child who has been my friend forever and accepted me as I am no matter where I am in my journey, always.

My honest Skeptic, who listens so carefully, and defends me and loves me as I am...

Lee who is utterly and totally with out a bone of prejudice in her body, who cannot even comprehend why someone would hate or reject another for being who and what they are....

....my two priestesses who gallantly love me, period, despite anything I throw at them!

You ALL - each and every one of you - astound me daily with your love, and your courage and your example.

...and perhaps my best ally of all...my wife and dearest friend, Dreamweaver. You didn't sign up for this journey. You thought you were getting a nice lesbian relationship, all the crazy questions of identity settled in your life, safe harbor at last. And instead you got me....transgender, FTM and all the complexity and questioning and the 24/7 presence of "the elephant on the coffee table" ...and you face daily that if my scenario and needs ever change and I transition, it puts you back into a relationship with a man, back into a "straight" identity as the world perceives it. You face the fact that the changes that could bring might be more than just skin deep, and the question of will I still be the same person that you married. It has rocked your world from end to end....

and you have risen gloriously to the challenge, meeting it head on. You have committed your self to walking with me by my side whatever the future may hold. You have expanded your world and your views on gender both personally and professionally, to the utter limit, and have taken the knowledge and wisdom you have found and used it to help others in the therapy room. You daily amaze me with your courage, your love and your honesty. I do not know where my life would be without you, this day, I only know it would be a far poorer one,without the riches you have brought my heart and soul in our life together!

All of you out there....you are my heroes. The daily courage it takes for you all to do what you do are my banner, my trumpet call, my example that I need to always continue to strive to be true my myself and to my friends.

And I love you all!

Transgender Courage...meet one of my heroes...

Meet Gabriel and his daughter Claudia

This is my friend, Gabriel. He is a transgender man who has weathered the storm of coming out to his parents, family and friends. He has not yet managed his transition to being physically the man he will become, however his feet on on the road for that journey, having found a gender therapist and a location for surgery and testosterone treatment.

Along the way however...

Gabe's journey took a terrifying, beautiful, amazing turn...he became pregnant.

I have watched him weather this storm for the past 9 months as his body shifted into pregnancy in ways that were profoundly at odds with his masculine gender, and as his relationship broke up, leaving him to face life as a single father. He has dealt with his local transgender culture questioning and denying his gender identity because of his pregnancy. He has dealt with personal issues from the past that have risen from the subconscious to haunt him. He has had to deal with health officials and staff, some who amazingly supported him, calling him daddy....and many who simply could not accept that he is male.

He has dealt with religious right wing comments and intrusive insensitivity in the name of religion.

And he has done so with grace, dignity and a courage I cannot even begin to imagine. Of course, he won't see it this way...certainly he was scared. He has been exhausted, tormented by his own body being at odds with him. He has been angry and tired...I am sure he has whined...I am sure he has screamed at the universe asking why.

Through it all though, he has never once wavered from his commitment to his daughter, to being the best father he could be to her, to weather the storm to bear her and bring her into this world, before he under went transition.

On June 27th he brought his baby daughter into this world, and her name is Claudia. It was a difficult time - physical difficulties arose, labor was induced, and a c-section was performed. A second round of hospitalization ensued as Gabe's blood pressure soared. Claudia is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen, and Gabriel's devotion to her is a beautiful tender thing to behold. Father and daughter are now home and safe and doing well.

Gabe and Claudia are fortunate beyond words that his family, and parents have rallied around their son, accepting his gender change though it wasn't easy for them at first, and supporting him and her emotionally and in all other ways. They too are heroes beyond telling!

Gabe will tell you he isn't a hero at all...that he has been scared and tired and less than perfect.

But he would be wrong.

A hero isn't someone who isn't scared, or tired or cranky...a hero is someone who is all of these gloriously human things and still rises to the challenge of being authentically who and what they are, and selflessly beyond that, loving and embracing life's challenges and dangers anyway.

Gabe and Claudia have a long road ahead of them, in a world that has trouble accepting that which is different. But I have faith in my friend Gabe as a friend, as a man, and as a father, that he will do the very best he can.

He plans to raise Claudia to know where she came from...and why. There will be no "Oh my God!" dark secret past for Claudia to stumble over as a teenager someday....she will know always, in age appropriate ways, that her daddy loved her enough to bear her in his own body under his heart for nine months. She will be raised free of prejudice and told always that nothing is impossible and that she is loved and accepted for who and what she is no matter what.

That is one blessed, fortunate child!

Gabriel, you are one of my heroes....and I write now about you to share with those who might read this blog so that they may know that things and times are changing slowly, that people like you exist, and that being transgender and overcoming these odds is possible!

The Human Figure...

As an artist, my favorite thing to draw or paint is the human figure...right at the moment, I am attempting to get back to just drawing the human form, for no reason other than to be doing so. One of the traps that is easy to fall into when you make your living - such that is is - from art, is that if you are working on something that has nothing to do with sales, you have the uncomfortable feeling that you might be wasting time. However...that is not an accurate measure of ones life as an artist (or singer or writer, or fill in the blank.)

When we put our worth solely in monetary terms we create a trap indeed...we are artists in all forms because we DO...we paint, draw, do computer graphics, sing, play an instrument, write, act, sculpt, throw pottery, make jewelry - and this ACTION is what defines us...not the dollar signs. The passion of our desire to create that which lies within our souls. The act of creation is also what heals us, too.

So, yes, I am working on ideas and work for a show...and it would be nice to see some sales and money - they don't call us starving artists for nothing! However, I am also making space to just do. To just be. To get back to one of my first loves which is drawing and maybe in a bit, painting, the human form. So I will occasionally post here where my wandering brush and pencil are taking me. And you will see me do male figures for a bit...and then switch to female...and if I can, I want to do some that show the dichotomy of being transgender eventually. So this is what I am up to...the pieces here are all mine, oil paint and pencil drawings. Some from life, and some from photographs.

Anybody who wants to comment.

critique or express their thoughts - have at it!

Feed back is always good!

Jeanne Robinson March 30, 1948 - May 30, 2010

This past Sunday on May 30th, Jeanne Robinson of the husband and wife writing team, Spider and Jeanne Robinson, passed away. They are the authors of the Stardance Trilogy, which includes Stardance, Starmind and Starseed. The gist of the books tells of a dancer who goes to space to dance, escaping the definition of up and down imposed by gravity, and in doing so leads the human race to the stars.

Jeanne was an author, a dancer, and a lay ordained Soto Zen Monk. She will be posthumously ordained as a Buddhist priest. As a dancer, she studied under Martha Graham, and was eventually Artistic Director of Halifax's Nova Dance Theater for more than 8 years, and choreographed thirty original works. She was actually scheduled decades ago to go up in the Space Shuttle's Civilian Program to explore zero gee dance, but her dream was grounded when the explosion of the Challenger ended the program.

She is survived by her husband, Spider Robinson, her daughter and son inlaw and her grandaughter as well as other family and friends. Please keep them all in thought and prayer.

Stardance, the first book of the trilogy is in the process of being made into a movie.http://www.stardancemovie.com/index.htm

I cannot begin to express how great an impact this woman's writings and life have had on me - I grieve for Spider and her family, friends and family who are parted from her. I do not grieve for her - such a great soul has passed from the illusions of this world into glory! I include here footage of Jeanne Dancing - her last public dance insofar as I know - and footage of dancers exploring zero gee dance concepts towards the Stardance Movie.

Graduation Pictures...

ASL Interpreter for the graduation ceremony. Note the Pink Panther in the chair to her right...

Pink Panther - class mascot for the Class of 2010

President of the College - who took the Pink Panther in her chair in stride and humor.

Receiving my Diploma...

...and my Hood!

Proud relieved graduate of the class of 2010!

In front of the auditorium.

Cameron and Skeptic

(She was my college roommate my first time through college over 20 years ago! Faithful amazing friend!!)

Cameron and Dreamweaver

(I would not have this degree if it were not for my beloved Dreamweaver.)

My parents, who have loved me all the years of my life - I am so thankful they were able to be here on this day!!!

(not pictured, but present - True Heart and Priestess, who had to hurry on to a family birthday party, and Light, who went AWOL in the mob after the graduation; she was a Junior Marshall for the Graduation. Their love and support saw me through all this in a big way!)

The Graduation Story - Pictures to Follow

The big day arrived at last, this past Saturday on May 15th! After three long years with more roadblocks and obstacles than I ever imagined, all of a sudden, this semester everything fell into place. Well, I can't say fell into place - shoved, prodded and beaten in to place, with the help of many, many people.

Last semester, I was standing with 2 major incompletes due to a death in the family from the preceding year, and an absolute inability to pass a foreign language class despite being an A student. This was actually fairly terrifying. The 2 incompletes were enormous - my senior Exhibit, and the first part of my Internship for my Art Therapy major. I did manage to get the Internship taken care of last semester. One down.

Then I tackled my senior exhibit this semester, which can be seen in the preceding post. That went great, but as is normal for senior art majors, caused a great deal of chaos. Spent the next few weeks desperately back tracking to pick up missed and dropped assignments that fortunately my teachers were all very understanding about. Evidently the chaos field surrounding a Senior Exhibit is well known to the professors! Senior Exhibit was on April 14th...graduation was on May 15th. Four weeks...

Two down. And still no solution on the foreign language requirement. My Spanish teacher had put forth the idea that perhaps I had a learning disability, and if that could be proven, they could finagle the language requirement so I could graduate. So I started earlier with VocRehab, which in the end dropped the ball, and got no help there. However, my therapist ran her own tests on me, came up with a stunning result and sent the documentation to the school. I do indeed have a disability - a cognitive organizational learning disability, which explains a whole 'lot of other things in my life as well. That is a post for another day - the school accepted her diagnosis, and arranged to count my existing work on Languages and let me go!

Three weeks before graduation I found out that since I had incompletes on my record, I had been dropped from the list of graduating seniors until they could be resolved. Result - I had not received any graduation mail outs, information or the bill (!) and had no idea what all had gotten by me. Scramble was on. In the middle of this, the sweet lady who runs the campus bookstore caught me in the middle of campus heading for yet another office -

"Hey, Cameron! How are you?"

"Fine, a little in a hurry-"

"Say, aren't you graduating?"

"Uh, yeah-"

"Have you picked up your robe?"

"...uh, no. Where do I-"

(Seizes my arm) "Come on!"

Back across the campus we go, whereupon walking into the bookstore, she calls out to her co-worker "I caught another one!" Mental image of her out in a safari outfit with a large caliber rifle bagging unrobed seniors...She produced a robe and a cap and had me sign on the dotted line, so I had that problem solved.

Two weeks before graduation, one of my art professors comes to me and goes, "Oh, I need this, this and this for the rest of your senior show requirement by next Monday, so I can submit the grade early." Ack!!!! More scrambling! And may I mention at that point I was running on about 3 hours of sleep a night...

Two weeks before graduation, everything became a blur of last minute items, assignments, and scheduling that honestly are not clear in my mind at this point. The final insult to injury was that rehearsal for graduation - required to graduate -and my final exam/presentation for Expressive Arts Therapy - required for the class to pass - were double scheduled on top of each other. *headdeskthud* I thought of going to the biology lab and seeing if they could clone me in time...

Got that resolved, by showing up for the rehearsal first, leaving early and then scrambling - there's that word again - for the presentation I had to do! Which went well. Whew!

By the day before Graduation, I wasn't really believing it was still going to happen. I kept having this ghostly feeling that they were going to pounce out of the bushes and say "Wait! We found this technicality - you can't graduate after all." I swear I was having Graduation Traumatic Stress Disorder! Of course, years ago on my first trip through college, I was told 3 weeks before graduation that I could not graduate due to the fact that - oh gee, there was this 3 hour credit class I should have taken (never covered by my advisor in our discussions) and I was 3 hours short. So, it does happen folks, and you can see why I was a little jumpy!

Oh - a backtrack moment. In my third week BG (before graduation) I found the dress requirement for under the robes...a black dress and heels. Have I mentioned this is a prestigious all womens school? Last time I looked this trans-masculine butch lesbian did not own a black dress. Nor did I have any INTENTION of owning a "little black dress". So Friday before graduation, I am out hunting men's black dress pants. On a shoe string budget. Checked out a local budget store, which will remain mercifully (for them) unnamed - store shabby, dressing rooms ramshackle, bathrooms stinky - but oh the prices are worth it! I came away with a nice pair of men's black dress pants and a short sleeved black dress shirt. I do own, thankfully a pair of low black dress boots. So Saturday morning, we set out, Dreamweaver driving, me in my black finery with my cap and gown in hand - still in the plastic wrapper by the way. Way too many kitty cats in the house! I was determined to graduate with out a fine haze of cat hair trailing behind me...

The day was bright and fair, and gorgeous, and perfect, and I started to BELIEVE...

We graduates met in the dining hall adjacent to the auditorium, and found our seats in a double row of chairs with our names on them. I started to get excited. When time came to go, we all stood up and went out the double doors of the dining hall to go outside and around to the entry to the auditorium...and all the faculty and staff were waiting in the hall way in their academic finery, cheering us on and clapping and calling us by name....

And I was walking on air the rest of the way!

I had done it!

I could not have accomplished it without those teachers, and the staff who worked so hard to help me pull through, or my family and friends who prayed for me and loved me and supported me every step of the way...

and perhaps most of all without the unswerving love and courage and faithfulness of my beloved wife Dreamweaver!
At 48, I am now a college graduate, with a BA in Art Therapy! And this summer I start my Masters program in Marriage and Family Therapy! So the journey continues...

But I will never ever forget this day, ever. And I will let the graduation pictures in the next post tell the rest of the story!

Thanks to all who read this blog for following along with me...more to come...always!

Senior Exhibit Triumph part 1

Celtic Fire NFS from the collection of Cynthia Penn

Walking the Labyrinth
A Painter’s Journey in Acrylic and Oil
Artist's statement

As a mural painter, a narrative painter and an art therapy major, painting is my most invested form of self expression. Comunicating three dimensionally though a medium that is flat is an endless creative challenge; whether it is to portray an object, convey an idea, or express an emotion. Painting is about light and shadow, color and form, but then becomes more than – and is about the vision poured into it.
This act of creation in every painting also becomes a healing process, a form of self care and therapy – cura anima – the care of the soul. This is what gives art therapy its power to aid the human heart.
In this show are images, shapes, forms and feelings that come from my heart and from my painting and from my healing. The paintings seek to interact with the visitor and in doing so, become greater than the sum of their parts. May each person find in these paintings personal meaning as they walk through the gallery, and may they be blessed.

Labyrinth Acrylic on canvas $1200.00

Celtic Knotwork Acrylic on canvas $1000.00
Sold




Candles Acrylic on canvas $300.00





Detail of Candles


Detail of Candles





Detail of Candles





Detail of Candles



Intimitation of Light Acrylic on Canvas $900.00



Detail of Intimatation of Light



Detail of Intimitation of Light











Detail of Intimitation of Light








Dream of the Wood Oil on Canvas $800.00






Figure studies in oil

Figure study one Oil on canvas $75.00

Figure study Two Oil on Canvas $75.00

Figure Study Three Oil on Canvas $75.00

Part two of my posts about my Senior exhibit are pictures of the actual Exhibit reception - which are on the cameras of numerous friends and relatives! As soon as I round up all the pictures from everyone, I will post and tell about that event - it was WONDERFUL!!!

I am very grateful to many, many people for exhaustive help - Dreamweaver, Light and friends who gave way too much of their time to help me hang the show, my teachers - Teresa Prater and Glenn Miller, among others - who nurtured my painting, Resa and JoAnn and the crew they brought in to cater the exhibit - the catering made it a smashing success! And Jennifer, the student worker who helped me take it down. There are more people to thank, and I will include them in the next post.

More to come once I get my hands on the rest of the pictures!