This was shared with me by Dreamweaver....it was so relevant, I had to add it in!
"Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman."
Margaret Fuller (1810 - 1850)
Margaret Fuller (1810 - 1850)
...and some of us play in (and with) the flow! You can't fool me, Cameron, sister--er, sibling--of my heart: like me, you deeply love throwing everyone off balance >:-) I've always known the boi in you, but truly the grrrl has always been equally present. I just know from my own experience, as well as watching yours, that any label we so adamantly apply to ourselves today is likely to come off in the wash next year or next decade, when we are ready to upend the status quo again. Unless, of course, you were to do the surgery--that would affix the label pretty damn securely.
ReplyDeleteWow! Cameron, some friends know your soul from lifetimes!
ReplyDeleteThat indeed may be another reason why the surgery would not be on my path. And that is also an interesting point. Say we someday achieve this - a world where a persons sex, gender and orientation is a non-issue. What do the ones who need that ambiguity, who thrive on the joy of the shock value and the fun of up-ending the status quo - what do they/we do then? I realized as I was writing the drag post that this was a part of it for me. There are people who take it to further extremes than I do. But for right now, yes, I need to be connected to the gay/trans etc identity - probably because I took so long in figuring it out. Its pretty damn obvious EVERYon else figured it out before I did! LOL! I tried SO hard to FIT for so long - years longer than you did. You were always wiser than me. And truly, I have become post-modern enough to be aware of labels, to see both value and fallacies of them and to know that I only need them for awhile. That was a very perceptive point there...that transitioning would apply the label male to me in a way that could not be undone - is that something I truly want? (oy - now theres a thought! A trans man doing female drag for the shock valure! *head-desk-thud*) I suspect that those that do drag that don't enjoy the fun of the illusion crashing are the ones that need the full transition. As I said in my drag post, I enjoy the moment when one lets the illusion slip and the shock value of it! (of course the illusion goes *thud* the minute I open my mouth - my voice is the dead give away!) I wrote that, and then went, hmmn, important clue by four there! If I enjoy that so much - what happens if I were to transition. You nailed that spot on - it kills it forever. Thats why I feel like I am not JUST trans. Thats why I feel that my "identity" is such a blend. One more reason why transitioning is not my road. And yet...
ReplyDeleteAll fun aside, this has it's dark side. When I blunder past a full length mirror and cannot look at myself because I cannot stand the dichotomy I see. When I go in to a womans restroom and get eyed angrily for simply *clocking* male on some poor persons radar and it makes them uneasy. When I, God help me, face my period each month, which is basically a crisis. Dealing with the realization that other issues in my life that seemed resolved really aren't - because this sheds a whole new light on just why certain life events affected me the way they did. Pieces of the puzzle of "why" falling into place so fast, it takes my breath away. I suspect that yes, at some point, labels will shift and change again...but for now, these identity formations and the individuation that goes with them are a life raft to a drowning person. I do not say that lightly! Ah me - oh, for a late night conversation and a bottle of Irish Mist! And you really should talk to Dreamweaver about some of this too, at some point. In the end, I am just me. And I like me! Thats the important part, even if being me right now is confusing, and every now and then a little scary! It's funny, alot of people are so train wrecked by the fact that I mostly present as masculine that they don't see the grrl, as you put it. You are one of the few that does see it...that has always accepted me, just as I am, and whatever I will be come. There are not enough words to say thank you for that in a lifetime. So...
If we ever manage to be in the same place at the same time for Halloween again, what do ya wannna do to rattle the natives!*wink*
Loveya, always!
Laughs and giggles. You avoid the labels but at the same time hold on to them. You really do want it both ways!
ReplyDeleteYou talk about the transition as something that ends with you defined as a man.....why? Transition is a continuum, not a point at th end of the line. A line is an infinite set of points. I know (maybe being in Los Angeles exposes me to more) of transmen and transwomen who are all along the spectrum. From those who identify as a gender different from the one they were born with but have done nothing to their bodies, to those that are completely changed.
Who is to say at what point a person is a man or a woman? And why should it be a binary in the first place? Why not shift between the sexes...either androgynous or switching between the two?
I noted before that at 6 months into transition other than clothes and 38b's I look like a man. I plan on going all the way with this process. Stopping hasn't even crossed my mind. But I don't think of those who do stop somewhere along the line as less of a man/woman that they identify with.
I know some drop dead gorgeous preop transwomen who will never have the final operation...they are happy with where they are. Why should I impose a set of standards on them? Wouldn't that make me just as bad as those who will place their standards on me and find me lacking.
And does there have to be an answer to 'why'? To have answers to everything? Why can't the questions be enough?
And late at night it's a bottle of Russian Standard.........but on a sunny day on a chase outside it's a sandshell.
In blender mix:
hand full of ice
one shot Bailey's
One Shot Kaluha
1/2 shot cream de menthe
blend until smooth and then pour into maragrita glass
Be well and safe,
Alissia